Dear potential mama friends,
I'm (sort of) sorry my house is messy, but I'm tired. I thought about rescheduling, but I genuinely like you, and since tired has been more or less my state of being for the last 9ish years, I'm not sure when we'd reschedule. So, in the interest of authenticity, we'll just skip that. Speaking of authenticity....I'm sort of a homebody, and while I like people, I don't have the time to invest in that many. I don't like wasting time, so inautheniticty just isn't something I do. I don't intend to offend you, but really, if I'm too weird for you, it's best to get it out in the open right away. I've already accepted the possibility that I'm so odd that I may have to wait until my daughters are grown to have friends. Don't ask me if I like your dress/opinion/hairdo, if you aren't prepared for the truth. I'm looking for a few Jesus girls to live life with, eat tacos, let each other in to our real moments( the beautiful and the gritty ones) and laugh till we snort, which is strange, because I'm not typically the laughing out loud sort, but I'd like to be...I'm working on it, the whole lightening up thing. I need some one who balances me out on that.
What I lack in levity, I make up for in honesty and loyalty, but if you need someone to grab coffee and get pedis with every week, I'm not your girl. I need someone who understands, that while I'll always have your back if you need me, and I value our time together, I'm an extroverted introvert, so there will be times I may not respond right away, because I just can't people right now.
Finding mom friends is a bit like hunting for sea glass on the beach, so many beautiful things, and most of them aren't what you're looking for. I am not meant to blend in; I'm a bit too artsy/intellectual for my strait laced conservative friends, and far too Christian conservative for my liberal leaning artsy/intellectual friends. It's difficult to find someone who gets the tightrope walk of loving Jesus and being devoted to your family and home, while maintaining your identity and your art, but when the connection is found...that spark of recognition of a kindred spirit, it's worth it. I'd rather have two pieces of sea glass than all the white sand on the beach. The companions that God has given me along the paths of my life have been among His greatest gifts.
I love music of all genres, reading, growing things, beauty of all kinds, dancing in my kitchen, critters, and working out. I believe that friends should lift each other up and stretch one another, remind one another that behind the tired, there is an inspired strong woman, that friends should laugh and cry together and nourish one another; two souls who see one another's crazy hot mess and don't need perfection.
So, I see you mom on the park bench wondering if she's the only one, if she should start a conversation, or if that other mom will judge all your mom stuff...she looks so put together. We all have our days, mama, where we have our makeup fixed and our sunscreen and our snacks packed, and we look like we're not falling apart, but then, we all have our days when the seams burst, and our undone spills all over the playground, and we don't have any mosquito spray, and every mama out there needs a me too, and if that isn't your piece of sea glass, it doesn't matter, because you have been kind. There is never any harm in a hello. One day, if we are brave enough to keep saying hello, we will each find our little tribe of soul mamas, with whom we feel at home, that make us a little better every time we are together, and laugh with us when we fall apart, that see your hot mess and raise you a little crazy, and we will see that a little mess is nothing to be afraid of.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Stuff
I am a stuff person. I don't mean that I'm materialistic; to the contrary. I am drawn to things not because of their cost, but because of their personality, or history, or what they evoke in me. If I purchase something, the likely hood that it will ever be discarded into the garage sale realm is slim. Unlike the decluttering and organizational books advise, I can not eliminate the things in my home which I don't find useful or beautiful, because I don't have such things. I love things for their, texture, their weight, their smell, for the storied past of those who have held them before.
When I was a child, I used to go with my mother to her grandmother's house. My great-grandparents had a house in town and a house in the country, so that when grandma Bessie passed away, grandpa Jess moved to town, and left the country house virtually untouched: sugar in the canisters, clothes in the closet, talcum powder in the loo. I played with toys there: an old Farris wheel that played music. I always had a vague notion that I could sense history, not in a grand sense, but in the small mundane miracle of someone else's daily life, children, a mother, a home...
The same is true with old books, generations before me, holding these selfsame sheaves of paper, living this tale beyond their own. Their weight and scent draws me in, as does their timelessness.
And new things, I believe I give a piece of my spirit to the things I choose to surround myself with. People have called my taste eclectic, I wondered if that was a platitude for "You have a lot of strange junk.", but it doesn't matter, our home sings a song of who we are as a family. I designed it when I wasn't singing, and every pent up expression of our love story flowed out of me as I chose windows,and faucets, and light fixtures, and it's harmony may be strange to some, but it is comforting and beautiful to us: the song of a homeland, and I hope, generations from now when I am gone, and my children's children's children come here, they hear it in their spirit, and it teaches them about where they came from and those who have lived and loved and gone before. Perhaps to you, they are just things, but to me they are stories of lives well lived.
When I was a child, I used to go with my mother to her grandmother's house. My great-grandparents had a house in town and a house in the country, so that when grandma Bessie passed away, grandpa Jess moved to town, and left the country house virtually untouched: sugar in the canisters, clothes in the closet, talcum powder in the loo. I played with toys there: an old Farris wheel that played music. I always had a vague notion that I could sense history, not in a grand sense, but in the small mundane miracle of someone else's daily life, children, a mother, a home...
The same is true with old books, generations before me, holding these selfsame sheaves of paper, living this tale beyond their own. Their weight and scent draws me in, as does their timelessness.
And new things, I believe I give a piece of my spirit to the things I choose to surround myself with. People have called my taste eclectic, I wondered if that was a platitude for "You have a lot of strange junk.", but it doesn't matter, our home sings a song of who we are as a family. I designed it when I wasn't singing, and every pent up expression of our love story flowed out of me as I chose windows,and faucets, and light fixtures, and it's harmony may be strange to some, but it is comforting and beautiful to us: the song of a homeland, and I hope, generations from now when I am gone, and my children's children's children come here, they hear it in their spirit, and it teaches them about where they came from and those who have lived and loved and gone before. Perhaps to you, they are just things, but to me they are stories of lives well lived.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Elven doors
For years, when I would meet someone new and tell them about my life, I would say, "I was a singer." It felt like a eulogy for myself. I gave up singing because it had always been about me, and I had reached an intersecting path where, if it continued to be about me, then that's what my life would become and remain: selfish and solitary. I made the right choice, a choice that has allowed me to have a great marriage and family. I knew singing was a part of me, but I was not safe with it, yet.
God pursued me down many dark alleys, and eventually, I surrendered to Him. I prayed to love Him, and He answered me. People came along side me who loved me and prayed that some day I could use my gift in a way that would not be about me, that would glorify God (thank you, I love and appreciate you). I could not see the path forward, but a time came when I felt a nudge to begin to study. He provided a way to pay for my lessons. My family encouraged me to find out how to become involved with the local opera company, but I did not do it, and then one day the door, which it seemed could never open for me flew open in my face, with the offer to jump in on the Turandot chorus. I wasn't ready, I told God and myself, and yet, I knew He wanted me to do it, and so I did.
Then, auditions came, and I told my teacher, "It's been too long, I'm not ready, I can't do it, I'm not good enough." She encouraged me. I prayed, and I read, and He reminded me that you can't mess up, circumvent, escape, or elude His plan. If He wanted me to do this, I would get a role, and if He didn't I wouldn't. That made me a little brave. I prayed to want what He wants. I got a part. I got a part; in the very opera that made me want to become a singer when I was a little girl. I felt so blessed to be able to do what I love and was made to do that I cried. I don't have to talk about myself in the past tense anymore. I am so thankful.
You might not sing, but the lesson is this: Like the elven doors that you can not enter with all of the force in the world if you don't know the pass word or have the key, if you are outside of God's will for your life, you can beat with frustration on the doors forever, like I used to do when it was all for me, and they will never open....but when you give it to His will, He will swing wide the doors that are meant for you. That doesn't mean it will always be easy, or that you will always "get the part" you thought you wanted, but that the one that's meant for you, you will. God goes before you. Whatever "it" is for you. Give it up, and be brave, even a little brave. Glory be to God, whose plan for us is better than our imagination.
God pursued me down many dark alleys, and eventually, I surrendered to Him. I prayed to love Him, and He answered me. People came along side me who loved me and prayed that some day I could use my gift in a way that would not be about me, that would glorify God (thank you, I love and appreciate you). I could not see the path forward, but a time came when I felt a nudge to begin to study. He provided a way to pay for my lessons. My family encouraged me to find out how to become involved with the local opera company, but I did not do it, and then one day the door, which it seemed could never open for me flew open in my face, with the offer to jump in on the Turandot chorus. I wasn't ready, I told God and myself, and yet, I knew He wanted me to do it, and so I did.
Then, auditions came, and I told my teacher, "It's been too long, I'm not ready, I can't do it, I'm not good enough." She encouraged me. I prayed, and I read, and He reminded me that you can't mess up, circumvent, escape, or elude His plan. If He wanted me to do this, I would get a role, and if He didn't I wouldn't. That made me a little brave. I prayed to want what He wants. I got a part. I got a part; in the very opera that made me want to become a singer when I was a little girl. I felt so blessed to be able to do what I love and was made to do that I cried. I don't have to talk about myself in the past tense anymore. I am so thankful.
You might not sing, but the lesson is this: Like the elven doors that you can not enter with all of the force in the world if you don't know the pass word or have the key, if you are outside of God's will for your life, you can beat with frustration on the doors forever, like I used to do when it was all for me, and they will never open....but when you give it to His will, He will swing wide the doors that are meant for you. That doesn't mean it will always be easy, or that you will always "get the part" you thought you wanted, but that the one that's meant for you, you will. God goes before you. Whatever "it" is for you. Give it up, and be brave, even a little brave. Glory be to God, whose plan for us is better than our imagination.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Bloom
It is 8:30 am, and I am still trying to sweep the fog from my brain. I took Baylie to school in my pajamas (for the billionth time this month), my house is a mess, I am exhausted and hoping I haven't missed anything major, like that near fiasco with the school Valentine's last week. My son does have on pants today, but only because he had to ride in the car. I am frayed and unravelling,....but I am full; so full.
For the first time in years I am singing. Another student of my voice teacher mentioned that the opera chorus was short handed, and so I landed among them, a small insignificant piece in a magnificent drama....a dedicated group of people who volunteer their time because they are passionate about creating art. This art form is so transient; months of work will come to fruition and fade in three hours, but their passion is inspiring and undimmed.
Honestly, when the opportunity arose, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Nope, certainly not....way past my bed time, " but nipping persistently on the heals of that though was the nagging wonder of what memories I would have at the end of my days if I let anxiety drive me. Who would I become if I am ruled by fear? One day at a time, God sustains me, and one day at a time I am able to participate in something beautiful, and no matter how exhausted I am, I appreciate where I am, because either I am with talented committed artists crafting a work of beauty, or I am at home with my loves. No matter where I am, I would not rather be anywhere else, and that is, for a season, worth the cost of the fatigue, the mess, the hectic chaos.
What is it that kindles a blaze in you? Is it time to set fear aside and press against your perceived limitations? What could you be capable of just outside of your comfort zone? What would it cost you to find out? Like winter, a season of dormancy can be healing and productive, but when spring comes, let us not hesitate to bloom.
For the first time in years I am singing. Another student of my voice teacher mentioned that the opera chorus was short handed, and so I landed among them, a small insignificant piece in a magnificent drama....a dedicated group of people who volunteer their time because they are passionate about creating art. This art form is so transient; months of work will come to fruition and fade in three hours, but their passion is inspiring and undimmed.
Honestly, when the opportunity arose, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Nope, certainly not....way past my bed time, " but nipping persistently on the heals of that though was the nagging wonder of what memories I would have at the end of my days if I let anxiety drive me. Who would I become if I am ruled by fear? One day at a time, God sustains me, and one day at a time I am able to participate in something beautiful, and no matter how exhausted I am, I appreciate where I am, because either I am with talented committed artists crafting a work of beauty, or I am at home with my loves. No matter where I am, I would not rather be anywhere else, and that is, for a season, worth the cost of the fatigue, the mess, the hectic chaos.
What is it that kindles a blaze in you? Is it time to set fear aside and press against your perceived limitations? What could you be capable of just outside of your comfort zone? What would it cost you to find out? Like winter, a season of dormancy can be healing and productive, but when spring comes, let us not hesitate to bloom.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Are you choosing faith or fear?
Yesterday, before I opened my bible, I prayed for God to direct me to a place where He wanted me to be, and to have something jump out at me. I don't always read my bible this way (the random opening strategy) and I don't always start with that prayer, but I did because of something our wise and venerable pastor Vern said during a recent sermon. I opened my bible to Deuteronomy, and I was like, come on God, really, zzzzzz......boring. I read a little, and I was like, really? This is what you've got? Nothing's jumping. But I thought a felt a nudge to keep reading, and not opt for a reflip like I really wanted to, and I ended up in the story of when the Israelites come across the promised land, and they see the scary Amorites, and, even though they have been assured of victory, and have been shown clear paths, they're like ( I think that may be a record for using the word like in my blog....no I'm not a sophomore in high school....whatever, don't judge.) no way...these guys are huge. We are not going in there. God is really bummed that they put the obstacles that they see above the times that they have seen Him be faithful. He had already given them a great gift, and
they didn't take possession of it, because they were afraid. Did you get that? Talk about jumping out! It was already theirs, but they were too afraid to claim it....even though God said, "Do not be terrified, for the Lord who is going before you will fight for you."
The Lord, who hems us in before and behind has given us great gifts, He knows our ways, and has trodden our path before us. If he wants us to win, we are assured of victory, and if we loose, we were never meant to win. That is amazing! But just like them, so often, we magnify our obstacles and minimize our God.
I have been nervous about the up coming auditions for the opera season, even knowing that that nervousness is the single most likely thing to stand in the way of me doing my best. But God has seen those auditions. If He wants me to have a roll, I will get one, and if none are meant for me, then do I truly want one anyway? No. There is nothing within my power to thwart Gods plan. There is nothing in the power of the people on that panel to thwart Gods plan.
He does not give us a spirit of fear. He gives us many good gifts, and when we do not seize them because we have our eye on our obstacles and are enemies instead of on our God, that makes Him sad. Let's not wander in the wilderness, because we chosen to act in fear instead of faith. What would you have the courage to do today, if you knew that God has gone before you on your journey?
PS (I would love it if you actually answered that question in the comments!)
they didn't take possession of it, because they were afraid. Did you get that? Talk about jumping out! It was already theirs, but they were too afraid to claim it....even though God said, "Do not be terrified, for the Lord who is going before you will fight for you."
The Lord, who hems us in before and behind has given us great gifts, He knows our ways, and has trodden our path before us. If he wants us to win, we are assured of victory, and if we loose, we were never meant to win. That is amazing! But just like them, so often, we magnify our obstacles and minimize our God.
I have been nervous about the up coming auditions for the opera season, even knowing that that nervousness is the single most likely thing to stand in the way of me doing my best. But God has seen those auditions. If He wants me to have a roll, I will get one, and if none are meant for me, then do I truly want one anyway? No. There is nothing within my power to thwart Gods plan. There is nothing in the power of the people on that panel to thwart Gods plan.
He does not give us a spirit of fear. He gives us many good gifts, and when we do not seize them because we have our eye on our obstacles and are enemies instead of on our God, that makes Him sad. Let's not wander in the wilderness, because we chosen to act in fear instead of faith. What would you have the courage to do today, if you knew that God has gone before you on your journey?
PS (I would love it if you actually answered that question in the comments!)
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Quality over quantity
It's New Years again. I know it's artifice, but I still get that fresh clean feeling every January. I try to hold it as long as I can, like the last taste of fresh berries before fall. It's so tempting to overwhelm myself. I want to do it all. I want to journal, carve out writing time every week, get fit, do my makeup, declutter, be organized, read every beautiful thing ever written, not yell at my children, be grateful, savor their childhoods, find a way to serve Jesus that lights me on fire....I want to be the me that I envision, but when I try to do it all, it sucks me under like a wave, and I am right back at the start: trying to earn that which is free. My God is not a performance based God. He loves me when I fumble and loose my balance, when I lean on him and let him be my equilibrium. So, instead of resolution, I have a theme. The overlying thing is Joy, to rejoice in the Lord always, but in this season, the underlying current that steadies me is, "Quality over quantity." I will be realistic. I will not let the desire to do everything paralyze me into doing nothing. While I will take steps to improve, I will not let imperfection sway me into missing my blessings.
This year I will rejoice in having few friends, because they are loyal and beautiful and worth knowing.
I will not fill up with things, I will purchase that which enhances, and not merely accumulates, and I will give where He leads me.
I will try fuel my body likewise.
I will not read 50 books...I will strive to read something great every month, even if that means I only read 12.
The time given to me I will steward, not simply fill.
I will drink in moments. I will give value to what has value, not fill up on emptiness.
I will spend time with the Lord, and not treat him like a thing to be checked off and gotten out of the way.
And when, I invariably fail to do these things. I will talk with my Father, and he will restore me. Any time of the year, He can make things new. May I slow the pace, so that I can make space for His leading. The peace I can not achieve through being better, I can achieve by being content. May His Holy Spirit make it so with me, and also with you. Happy New Year Sweet Sisters. Blessed be.
This year I will rejoice in having few friends, because they are loyal and beautiful and worth knowing.
I will not fill up with things, I will purchase that which enhances, and not merely accumulates, and I will give where He leads me.
I will try fuel my body likewise.
I will not read 50 books...I will strive to read something great every month, even if that means I only read 12.
The time given to me I will steward, not simply fill.
I will drink in moments. I will give value to what has value, not fill up on emptiness.
I will spend time with the Lord, and not treat him like a thing to be checked off and gotten out of the way.
And when, I invariably fail to do these things. I will talk with my Father, and he will restore me. Any time of the year, He can make things new. May I slow the pace, so that I can make space for His leading. The peace I can not achieve through being better, I can achieve by being content. May His Holy Spirit make it so with me, and also with you. Happy New Year Sweet Sisters. Blessed be.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
You've got skills! God's Got plans! Let's do some stuff for His Glory!
It isn't very often here at Learning to Live in His Grace that I get a chance to write about anything of real substance, so I am ecstatic to steal Megan and Patrick's story! The ways that God has worked in their lives to prepare them for their journey, and the work that He is now preparing to do through them is incredible, so without further ado....
Our friends from our former small group Tom and Adrienne, invited us over to their place for dinner, to hear a presentation from Adriennes' sister Megan and her husband Patrick, about their upcoming mission to Japan. I was prepared for your run of the mill mission spiel, but I was not prepared to hear this young couple tell us that, because of the nature of Japanese culture, they are permanently relocating to Japan, to create long term relationships with Japanese people, and find innovative, culturally sensitive, and relational ways, to show the love of Jesus to people, and THEN, be able to introduce them to Jesus. Megan shared with us that she has been called to missions since she was thirteen, and Patrick informed her about his heart for Japan on their first date, so she would know that it would be a waste of time to pursue the relationship further if she was opposed to this life vision. Due to Patrick's experience with martial arts and time in Japan through his military service, he is uniquely equipped with a love for and knowledge of Japanese culture, and Megan's teaching experience and heart for women have led her to a program called Tea and Talk, where she creates relationships with Japanese women, while drinking tea and working with them on their English. In Japan, Megan will continue Tea and Talk, while Patrick will reach Japanese people through Fight Church. His vision is to create a safe place for people to express who they are, and explore that through martial arts, in an individually repressive culture, while sharing the love of Jesus.
Megan and Patrick showed level headed realism about the challenges before them, without ever losing the glow of passion for the work that God has given them. They let us know that because of intense respect and reverence for their ancestors, and a culture that enforces homoginy through social mores, only one percent of one percent of Japanese profess Christ as their Savior, and those who do are often ostracized! Lance and I were amazed by hearing about how God brought Megan and Patrick together as life partners and teammates with a shared passion and vision. We also loved how their unique life experiences up to this time have so clearly prepared them for the path ahead. Sometimes how God is working in your own life can seem vague, but when you see another perspective, it becomes so evident that His hand is in everything!
My bible study partner and I have recently been involved in an exploratory study of our spiritual gifts, and many of the issues with which I had been wrestling, came up in conversation as Patrick unknowingly reassured me that our spiritual gifts come to us in the form of our passions, and because they are so deeply ingrained in the way that God made us, they often don't even seem like gifts to us. God was reassuring me, through Patrick, that all you have to do is use whatever God gave you, for His glory. It doesn't always come as a revelation or accompanied by great fanfare. So, in that way too, God's hand was evident our being there to meet them, and we left feeling incredibly blessed by the conversation, as well as the opportunity to pray for Megan and Patrick's mission with World Venture, contribute financially when we are able (as they have to raise their salaries forever, since they will be full time missionaries!), and send them letters and care packages, with our children's involvement, once they are in Japan. They asked us to pray about these things for three days, which we did, and I am always incredibly moved by the power of praying hand in hand out loud with my husband!
I am so excited about the wonderful things that God has in store, and I just had to share it with you. If you feel, after prayerful consideration, that you would like to hear more about this mission, or contribute in one of the above ways that I mentioned, please let me know, and I will hook you up with Megan and Patrick! If this is not a mission that you are called to be involved in at this time, that's great! There are so many ways for each of us to use our gifts! I hope you are inspired that God is doing great work, out loud and behind the scenes.
Our friends from our former small group Tom and Adrienne, invited us over to their place for dinner, to hear a presentation from Adriennes' sister Megan and her husband Patrick, about their upcoming mission to Japan. I was prepared for your run of the mill mission spiel, but I was not prepared to hear this young couple tell us that, because of the nature of Japanese culture, they are permanently relocating to Japan, to create long term relationships with Japanese people, and find innovative, culturally sensitive, and relational ways, to show the love of Jesus to people, and THEN, be able to introduce them to Jesus. Megan shared with us that she has been called to missions since she was thirteen, and Patrick informed her about his heart for Japan on their first date, so she would know that it would be a waste of time to pursue the relationship further if she was opposed to this life vision. Due to Patrick's experience with martial arts and time in Japan through his military service, he is uniquely equipped with a love for and knowledge of Japanese culture, and Megan's teaching experience and heart for women have led her to a program called Tea and Talk, where she creates relationships with Japanese women, while drinking tea and working with them on their English. In Japan, Megan will continue Tea and Talk, while Patrick will reach Japanese people through Fight Church. His vision is to create a safe place for people to express who they are, and explore that through martial arts, in an individually repressive culture, while sharing the love of Jesus.
Megan and Patrick showed level headed realism about the challenges before them, without ever losing the glow of passion for the work that God has given them. They let us know that because of intense respect and reverence for their ancestors, and a culture that enforces homoginy through social mores, only one percent of one percent of Japanese profess Christ as their Savior, and those who do are often ostracized! Lance and I were amazed by hearing about how God brought Megan and Patrick together as life partners and teammates with a shared passion and vision. We also loved how their unique life experiences up to this time have so clearly prepared them for the path ahead. Sometimes how God is working in your own life can seem vague, but when you see another perspective, it becomes so evident that His hand is in everything!
My bible study partner and I have recently been involved in an exploratory study of our spiritual gifts, and many of the issues with which I had been wrestling, came up in conversation as Patrick unknowingly reassured me that our spiritual gifts come to us in the form of our passions, and because they are so deeply ingrained in the way that God made us, they often don't even seem like gifts to us. God was reassuring me, through Patrick, that all you have to do is use whatever God gave you, for His glory. It doesn't always come as a revelation or accompanied by great fanfare. So, in that way too, God's hand was evident our being there to meet them, and we left feeling incredibly blessed by the conversation, as well as the opportunity to pray for Megan and Patrick's mission with World Venture, contribute financially when we are able (as they have to raise their salaries forever, since they will be full time missionaries!), and send them letters and care packages, with our children's involvement, once they are in Japan. They asked us to pray about these things for three days, which we did, and I am always incredibly moved by the power of praying hand in hand out loud with my husband!
I am so excited about the wonderful things that God has in store, and I just had to share it with you. If you feel, after prayerful consideration, that you would like to hear more about this mission, or contribute in one of the above ways that I mentioned, please let me know, and I will hook you up with Megan and Patrick! If this is not a mission that you are called to be involved in at this time, that's great! There are so many ways for each of us to use our gifts! I hope you are inspired that God is doing great work, out loud and behind the scenes.
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