So here it is. Underneath all of the busyness and preoccupation with home buying/selling, I have this nagging feeling that I am not doing anything for the Kingdom of God. Now I could blame my husband, because all of this is so new to him that he doesn't feel convicted in the way that I do, and because I have felt pulled to adopt and he isn't open to that, or my kids, because raising them is such a demanding task, but the reality is, it's just me. I am having trouble leaving the comfort of my own routine to find a meaningful way to serve, and I wonder when the day comes, will my Father deny knowing me because I have failed to help all of the homeless, Christless, disenfranchised orphans and widows that are just outside my comfortable sphere of Christian friends? Am I not a true disciple because I have a nice warm home, and have not sold anything to follow Him? Even with what he has entrusted to me, my children, I fail on an epic scale constantly; loosing my patience, or not engaging them the way I should, and I fear that I can never produce good fruit, because I am a BAD TREE. That thing which I do not wish to do, it is that which I keep doing.
Am I just a waste of the Savior's blood?
I know I mustn't let Satan paralyze me here in this headspace, but this blog is about being honest about where I am in the moment, and this is what's on my heart. I feel alone among friends selfless enough to stretch themselves, while all I seem to manage is delivering a meal once in a while to one of my very prolific friends, and after all, even sinners can be kind to those who love them.
Alas, this post has no snappy ending where it all comes together. It just ends with me, praying for a chance to be used, and you, praying that I will take it when it comes.
