Implode, return, repeat

I must get out. If I don't, I will implode.  My children have put me on the run.  I retreat to the porch with cheese and wine.  I very seldom have more than a glass, but this day feels like it could justify a vat.  It's time to cook dinner.  Levi has been up since noon.  He's crying in his bed, but I know once he's this worked up the odds of him falling asleep are very bad.  Like me, once I get like this I can't go to God; when I'm already hoarse from yelling at the big but not as big as she thinks she is girl. I am desperate ....facebook, wine, food, maybe I'll buy something online.  I am an empty hole, screaming for any kind of relief, and I can't look where deep relief lies.  Maybe I am ashamed, or maybe anger can't stand before God. 

They would be better off without me, I sometimes think when it's ugly; without all my sins that rear and buck again and again.  I just can't get it right, and I can't even look where I know I'll find it.  I push away, like the 6 year old, until my blood cools, and the only thing left fierce is guilt.  I burn out.  I stretch thin; my bible study girl cracks and bleeds.

My God receives me like the parent I wish I was.  Why is this so hard? Why did you give me children to damage? I return, but I don't know how to do better tomorrow- when the inevitable happens and attitudes flair, shoes get tripped over, reminded to pick up and tripped over again, naptime comes without rest, oh I am manic during the screaming naps, girls fight, and tattle, and demand.  I do not know how to grow up and become the parent who can parent herself, but as I know, the absent parent is worse.

I try again.  Returning is all I have, and the miracle of littles is that they know something I have forgotten: every day is new.

I am a judgmental hag

So I had some questions about a blog post that I feel I need to write, one that is kind of harsh and may put me in front of the firing squad.  I don't mind being in front of the firing squad, but if I'm going to be there, I want it to be because of something the Holy Spirit lead me to say, and not just my own wanton criticisms, so I called another blogger whom I like and respect to ask for her wisdom.  We are discussing one thing and another, when all of the sudden I am spewing ugly all over this innocent bystander, who now can clearly see how ugly I am, and probably doesn't want to be my friend anymore....

There is this person, whom I believe to be a genuinely nice person, but is so opposite of me in every respect that everything they do rubs me backwards. Some of the stuff bothers me because I think it's unbiblical, but here's the thing, you know what I'm absolutely sure is unbiblical, judgment coming from someone other than the judge.  Being under contention with another Christian is clearly spelled out in the bible, so that's where I am, firmly entrenched in the wrong. Whether this person's actions, thoughts, beliefs are in line with scripture, I am not rebuking them out of love, I am wanting to call them out because they annoy me.  So not cool, and saying it out loud to someone I know, but don't know just made it sound horrid, which of course, it was.

So now what? Now that you all know what a judgmental hag I am? Not sure; I know that I'm not going to be taking communion while I spend some time with God on this one, and I know that this person has some strengths in places where I have weaknesses and visa versa, so every time I think about them I am going to name something good.  I am going to add them to my prayer list for the biblical issues. 

I have not walked this person's road, so I don't know their struggles, but I do know that our savior not only loves, but likes this person, and it is not okay for me to be unkind, so I'll be working on that.  maybe a part of this person's journey, even if they don't know it is to teach me a thing or two about extending grace, because when it comes back around, I need some too.