So here it is. Underneath all of the busyness and preoccupation with home buying/selling, I have this nagging feeling that I am not doing anything for the Kingdom of God. Now I could blame my husband, because all of this is so new to him that he doesn't feel convicted in the way that I do, and because I have felt pulled to adopt and he isn't open to that, or my kids, because raising them is such a demanding task, but the reality is, it's just me. I am having trouble leaving the comfort of my own routine to find a meaningful way to serve, and I wonder when the day comes, will my Father deny knowing me because I have failed to help all of the homeless, Christless, disenfranchised orphans and widows that are just outside my comfortable sphere of Christian friends? Am I not a true disciple because I have a nice warm home, and have not sold anything to follow Him? Even with what he has entrusted to me, my children, I fail on an epic scale constantly; loosing my patience, or not engaging them the way I should, and I fear that I can never produce good fruit, because I am a BAD TREE. That thing which I do not wish to do, it is that which I keep doing.
Am I just a waste of the Savior's blood?
I know I mustn't let Satan paralyze me here in this headspace, but this blog is about being honest about where I am in the moment, and this is what's on my heart. I feel alone among friends selfless enough to stretch themselves, while all I seem to manage is delivering a meal once in a while to one of my very prolific friends, and after all, even sinners can be kind to those who love them.
Alas, this post has no snappy ending where it all comes together. It just ends with me, praying for a chance to be used, and you, praying that I will take it when it comes.
Keep praying to be used to be a blessing to others, to have the eyes to see an opportunity, and the obedience to act. God will provide, and don't hesitate because you feel you can't do it perfectly. God doesn't ask for perfection, he asks that we are obedient and do whatever we are asked to do with excellence. There is a big difference between perfection and excellence. Excellence is going something to the best of YOUR ability, a heart issue. He doesn't ask you to do something to the best of someone else's ability. Do not compare yourself to others!!! If you do you will never measure up or be good enough. I remember you making a meal for a new mom just after you had Bailey. I know for a fact that meal was a huge blessing to that family.
ReplyDeleteI love your willingness to let Christ shine through your failings. You know what is awesome about the Kingdom of God?! We get to be total tools for Christ. And if we all make up the body....someone has to be the elbow. :)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I think there is no greater thing for the Kingdom than to raise the littles that He has entrusted you with. I spend lots of time thinking about when I get out on the mission feild and so easily forget about the one inside my four walls. Girl you are such a blessing to my heart!!!!