In my family, as in many families I suppose, there are no secrets....tell one person, and soon everyone knows. The only secret is from you about exactly who knows your secret and who told them. Before it gets back around to you it has been passed around, discussed, and conclusions drawn. Everyone knows exactly how you should parent, is an expert on your marriage and home management, and ironically, the people who should be the most loving and encouraging are the biggest source of criticism and judgment. In my family I feel constantly 9 years old, when they look at me they see that selfish drama queen, messy room and all. In my own family y'all, I've never been allowed to grow up. They have no idea who I am today, because they see that girl, not who I have become.
It's hard with family, because unlike with friends, you can't just decide it's too big of a pain and cut your losses. Family is sometimes a tough lesson in love and forgiveness. It's continual, over and over, you hurt one another, but you can't walk away, you have to learn how to deal. And I'll admit, nothing brings out the tantrum throwing kid in me than the frustration of being misunderstood and judged by people who are supposed to give you the most grace, your life pandered around like fodder for gossip. I want to lash back, the tongue my defensive fortress, but then, aren't I becoming exactly who they convict me of being, as though their perceptions are enough to make me regress. It's like with family God gives you the same trial again and again, until you finally learn to handle it like a grown up. Are you giving them the grace you are wishing they would give you? Are you allowing them to grow? Are you lashing back with the wicked tongue you inherited, or learning, slowly, to breath, to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. Perhaps this is why we are birthed into such a mix of personalities; people we can't divorce.
In fairness, I have been on the opposing side. It's familiar. It's how we grew up operating. My own sweet sister said to me one day. "You still see me like when I stole mom's camera and denied it, like the five year old who hid vitamins in the couch." My comment about her had been off hand, but it was true, I had boxed her in, forbidden her to reinvent herself, to grow up. I was blind to the introspective young woman she was becoming, like a butterfly, right before my eyes.
The people who know our weak spots, our back stories, shouldn't use them like weapons. We know theirs in return, like shields of justification. It is a slow process, learning to offer the other cheek, and it's family that makes us vested enough to try, try again. I release their expectations for me, for my life. I am free to become. I am free to be redeemed, whether they see it or no. I release my expectations of them, they are free to transform. I pray for a breath of pause, and fresh eyes. I am forgiven; I am free to forgive.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
The balance Leprechaun
You always hear people, moms in particular, talking about finding balance. It is ever illusive; we are always seeking it. Like my daughter creating traps at school for the St. Patrick's day leprechaun, which cruelly, she does not know isn't real. Likewise, I don't really think balance is an achievable thing, or at least it is a slippery slope; if it is found, it is impossible to maintain. Life's constant is change, so just when we figure out a system that works for our life, our children enter a new stage, jobs, finances, or something changes. A facebook friend was asking a few weeks ago, how to find balance between spending precious time with littles, and managing all of our other responsibilities, and that really got me thinking about this. I very rarely offer practical advice here, and I have in no way figured this out, so the practical advice I am about to offer is worth very little, and for working mothers, I can only offer you enormous admiration, and very little else. Yes, you, take one third of the time the rest of us have, and go ahead and work a miracle, you can do it! Seriously, I stay home all day, and I can't get everything done with the time I have, so working moms blow my mind.
In any case, here are a few things that I have learned along the way that work for me. Concerning house keeping, I think the key is to discern how clean your house really needs to be and let the rest go. For me, this level is "clean enough not to be embarrassed if a friend stops by unannounced". I don't always get there, but at least I know what I'm working toward, otherwise, I think you can drive yourself crazy. There really is no way to achieve perfection all of the time, and most of us, unless you or your spouse are OCD, probably don't need that. After that, you can set aside time for specific projects or extras if you have the time, but you don't stress yourself out with unrealistic expectations. I used to think my husband wanted a perfectly clean house, but have learned over the years that given the choice between this and a wife who is on the verge of emotional collapse, he will take the less clean house, and more stable wife.
This brings me to the next point on house keeping: priorities. For my husband, it's the kitchen, so if I know I have finite time or energy, I try to focus where it counts. I also divide up the tasks so I never have to spend a whole day cleaning, such as bathrooms Monday, mopping Tuesday, etc, but I have done it the other way too, and each has it's advantages. As far as meals, I find menu planning enormously helpful, and on extra busy days, freezer prep and the crock pot is my best friend.
On kids: I probably err on the side of not playing enough with my kids, because honestly, I hate to play. I enjoy reading to them, and I don't mind the occasional craft, puzzle, coloring, or board game, but imaginary play, I suck at. So possibly for that reason, but definitely for reasons of fostering creativity and independence, I am going to suggest that it is actually good for them to play on their own, besides, this is what they have siblings for. (Just kidding, the real reason for that is because for all the effect birth control has on me, I might as well take skittles) I like to set them up with crafts to the degree that they are trustworthy, but frankly, this is why my walls are colored on and cut with scissors, so this goes in waves, depending on my current degree of amnesia regarding the last bout of destruction. I also only allow one show or movie per kid per week, so I try to use this judiciously, in the time of upmost need. I find that small amounts of time make a great deal of difference to kids, since their attention span is short anyway, so try setting a timer for yourself allotting so much work time, and then so much focused time on your kids. Again, I suggest doing what you don't hate, so the time will be more pleasant for all involved. If I try forcing myself to play, it usually ends badly, and your presence is generally more important than the content of the activity anyway. Sometimes, of course, you will have to do things you'd rather not, but on the daily, there aren't bonus points for self torture.
Next I am going to suggest that you know who you are, so that you know what to say no to. None of us can do it all, so it's best to do what you can sanely. My kids will not favorably remember that I baked 5 things for the bake sale, sewed all of their Halloween costumes, and kept a spotless house, if I am subsequently institutionalized, so I do what Shauna Neiquist does in her book Cold Tangerines, and keep a list of things I do, and things I don't do, so I keep within the grid of what I really want my life to be about, and don't harbor guilt for things which fall outside of that. I, for instance do garden, and don't homeschool.
Lastly, I am going to repeat the oft repeated time for yourself thing. Impossible I know, but for the well being of all around you, you really must carve out space for yourself, not just space in which you do nothing, though sometimes we need that, but space to do something that refreshes you and gives you life. If I am behaving badly, sometimes removing myself to pray for even 5 minutes outside will do if that's all the time I can steal.
You may have noticed that I have said nothing about spending quality time with ones husband; this is because I am nursing a baby, and have no clue how to accomplish this! So, if you have additional suggestions, or have caught the elusive balance leprechaun, I would love to hear your tips and tricks!
In any case, here are a few things that I have learned along the way that work for me. Concerning house keeping, I think the key is to discern how clean your house really needs to be and let the rest go. For me, this level is "clean enough not to be embarrassed if a friend stops by unannounced". I don't always get there, but at least I know what I'm working toward, otherwise, I think you can drive yourself crazy. There really is no way to achieve perfection all of the time, and most of us, unless you or your spouse are OCD, probably don't need that. After that, you can set aside time for specific projects or extras if you have the time, but you don't stress yourself out with unrealistic expectations. I used to think my husband wanted a perfectly clean house, but have learned over the years that given the choice between this and a wife who is on the verge of emotional collapse, he will take the less clean house, and more stable wife.
This brings me to the next point on house keeping: priorities. For my husband, it's the kitchen, so if I know I have finite time or energy, I try to focus where it counts. I also divide up the tasks so I never have to spend a whole day cleaning, such as bathrooms Monday, mopping Tuesday, etc, but I have done it the other way too, and each has it's advantages. As far as meals, I find menu planning enormously helpful, and on extra busy days, freezer prep and the crock pot is my best friend.
On kids: I probably err on the side of not playing enough with my kids, because honestly, I hate to play. I enjoy reading to them, and I don't mind the occasional craft, puzzle, coloring, or board game, but imaginary play, I suck at. So possibly for that reason, but definitely for reasons of fostering creativity and independence, I am going to suggest that it is actually good for them to play on their own, besides, this is what they have siblings for. (Just kidding, the real reason for that is because for all the effect birth control has on me, I might as well take skittles) I like to set them up with crafts to the degree that they are trustworthy, but frankly, this is why my walls are colored on and cut with scissors, so this goes in waves, depending on my current degree of amnesia regarding the last bout of destruction. I also only allow one show or movie per kid per week, so I try to use this judiciously, in the time of upmost need. I find that small amounts of time make a great deal of difference to kids, since their attention span is short anyway, so try setting a timer for yourself allotting so much work time, and then so much focused time on your kids. Again, I suggest doing what you don't hate, so the time will be more pleasant for all involved. If I try forcing myself to play, it usually ends badly, and your presence is generally more important than the content of the activity anyway. Sometimes, of course, you will have to do things you'd rather not, but on the daily, there aren't bonus points for self torture.
Next I am going to suggest that you know who you are, so that you know what to say no to. None of us can do it all, so it's best to do what you can sanely. My kids will not favorably remember that I baked 5 things for the bake sale, sewed all of their Halloween costumes, and kept a spotless house, if I am subsequently institutionalized, so I do what Shauna Neiquist does in her book Cold Tangerines, and keep a list of things I do, and things I don't do, so I keep within the grid of what I really want my life to be about, and don't harbor guilt for things which fall outside of that. I, for instance do garden, and don't homeschool.
Lastly, I am going to repeat the oft repeated time for yourself thing. Impossible I know, but for the well being of all around you, you really must carve out space for yourself, not just space in which you do nothing, though sometimes we need that, but space to do something that refreshes you and gives you life. If I am behaving badly, sometimes removing myself to pray for even 5 minutes outside will do if that's all the time I can steal.
You may have noticed that I have said nothing about spending quality time with ones husband; this is because I am nursing a baby, and have no clue how to accomplish this! So, if you have additional suggestions, or have caught the elusive balance leprechaun, I would love to hear your tips and tricks!
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Awake!
It is my belief that a person is largely the sum of his or her habits. In Charles Duhig's book The Power of Habit, we learn that approximately 40% of what we do is a product of habit rather than conscious choice. A habit can either be nourishing and sustaining, like physical exercise or cultivating quiet time with God, or it can be destructive. I am relatively aware and diligent about my physical habits, but have largely overlooked the impact of my mental ones.
I am a firm believer in the adage that pain is 3/4 the anticipation of pain. Our fear creates 3/4 of our experience of pain! I am finding that this principle holds for not only pain, but stress as well. I create 3/4 of the stress in my life with my own anxiety about hypothetical stress. What a detrimental habit! God says, "Do not worry about tomorrow's troubles, for tomorrow will have enough trouble of it's own." Do not heap imaginary burdens on top of the real ones! When we do this, we rob ourselves of much of God's peace and joy. We effectively choose to distrust His ability to care for us, and deny His nature as a good God.
In her blog, A Holy Experience, Ann Voskamp explains that goodness and mercy (Psalm 23) don't just follow us all the days of our lives, they "Radah", hunt us down! I choose the familiarly of my anxiety because his blessing and plan for my life are unknown and outside of my control.
When Morgan was in preschool, I enrolled her in dance, because I knew she would love it, and thought it would benefit her. For weeks, every time I dropped her off she clung to my leg and wailed, until one day, I pried her off me, deposited her in the studio and left (ok, so I was outside in my car, but she didn't know that). And wouldn't you know, she danced that day, and she loved it.
This is what we do to God all the time; throw his gifts in his face because" I HATE dance!!"( or whatever), when really, what I hate is having to get over myself, leave my comfort zone, and trust God.
For the longest time I have failed to realize that my mental habits were attitudes that I allow to persist. I have harbored excuses about why these attributes are a part of who I am, but the truth is, I have allowed unhealthy mental habits to take root, and with God's help and with conscious choice, I can weed them out.
Last March, when I was reading The Power of Habit, I committed to make my bed every day of that month. And guess what, I make my bed every day now. In Ann Voskamp's amazing book 1000 gifts, she discovers that we can develop the discipline of gratitude and joy, by focusing our attention on the hand of God in our lives, by recognizing and being thankful for his abundant gifts. It is time that I take God at his word. He promises that he will meet my needs, hear my prayers, hunt me down with his blessings. It is time I choose to let him be my daily bread, and live a life of faith, not a life of anxiety and fear. If we become complacent about our mental habits, we can unwittingly stumble into the path of the enemy. God's grace reveals itself to us daily, if only we have the perspective to see it. Let us develop habits that glorify God, and wake to joy!
I am a firm believer in the adage that pain is 3/4 the anticipation of pain. Our fear creates 3/4 of our experience of pain! I am finding that this principle holds for not only pain, but stress as well. I create 3/4 of the stress in my life with my own anxiety about hypothetical stress. What a detrimental habit! God says, "Do not worry about tomorrow's troubles, for tomorrow will have enough trouble of it's own." Do not heap imaginary burdens on top of the real ones! When we do this, we rob ourselves of much of God's peace and joy. We effectively choose to distrust His ability to care for us, and deny His nature as a good God.
In her blog, A Holy Experience, Ann Voskamp explains that goodness and mercy (Psalm 23) don't just follow us all the days of our lives, they "Radah", hunt us down! I choose the familiarly of my anxiety because his blessing and plan for my life are unknown and outside of my control.
When Morgan was in preschool, I enrolled her in dance, because I knew she would love it, and thought it would benefit her. For weeks, every time I dropped her off she clung to my leg and wailed, until one day, I pried her off me, deposited her in the studio and left (ok, so I was outside in my car, but she didn't know that). And wouldn't you know, she danced that day, and she loved it.
This is what we do to God all the time; throw his gifts in his face because" I HATE dance!!"( or whatever), when really, what I hate is having to get over myself, leave my comfort zone, and trust God.
For the longest time I have failed to realize that my mental habits were attitudes that I allow to persist. I have harbored excuses about why these attributes are a part of who I am, but the truth is, I have allowed unhealthy mental habits to take root, and with God's help and with conscious choice, I can weed them out.
Last March, when I was reading The Power of Habit, I committed to make my bed every day of that month. And guess what, I make my bed every day now. In Ann Voskamp's amazing book 1000 gifts, she discovers that we can develop the discipline of gratitude and joy, by focusing our attention on the hand of God in our lives, by recognizing and being thankful for his abundant gifts. It is time that I take God at his word. He promises that he will meet my needs, hear my prayers, hunt me down with his blessings. It is time I choose to let him be my daily bread, and live a life of faith, not a life of anxiety and fear. If we become complacent about our mental habits, we can unwittingly stumble into the path of the enemy. God's grace reveals itself to us daily, if only we have the perspective to see it. Let us develop habits that glorify God, and wake to joy!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Check your rugs
I am a creature of routine, so every Tuesday, I sweep and mop the wood floors. Every single week it amazes me that even though I don't intentionally sweep things under the rugs, icky stuff finds it's way there every time. Today as I was doing this it reminded me of how sometimes the same things happen in our hearts. I like to think that I am a person who deals with my stuff, but recently, while reading some very insightful works (check out One Thousand Gifts and The Shack), I have been called out on how much is under my rug and stuffed in my closet when it comes to my relationship with God. I am a fantastic hypothetical Christian, but when it comes down to trusting God, as a verb, rather than an intellectual concept; when it comes to going His way, I choose anxiety and anger way more than I choose gratitude and patience. Am I trusting that God's way is best and that I believe he is good. No. And you know who I hurt when I choose that path? Mostly myself, because God's way is His way because it's best, not because He likes arbitrary rules.
A lot of people advocate against organized religion. It has issues, so they prefer to go it on their own. I get that, but sometimes we need our churches, good writing, and close friends to help us get a new perspectives. We need to check our rugs more often, and sometimes, we just can't see what's under there with out someone else holding up the rug so we can get a look. I really believe this is one huge reason why God calls us to do life in fellowship, and also partly why He gives us marriage, because it's harder to leave your nasties under the rug when someone else might see them, and it's easier to get them out with help. We just grow better together. It's hard sometimes to look at yourself that closely, and not like what you see. I think that's another function of marriage, by the way, as a picture of God's love for us....someone has seen all that junk and loves me anyway.
So there it is folks, nothing fancy or lovely today, just a friendly reminder to check your rugs, and surround yourself with wise caring people who aren't afraid help you tackle any lurking dust bunnies.
A lot of people advocate against organized religion. It has issues, so they prefer to go it on their own. I get that, but sometimes we need our churches, good writing, and close friends to help us get a new perspectives. We need to check our rugs more often, and sometimes, we just can't see what's under there with out someone else holding up the rug so we can get a look. I really believe this is one huge reason why God calls us to do life in fellowship, and also partly why He gives us marriage, because it's harder to leave your nasties under the rug when someone else might see them, and it's easier to get them out with help. We just grow better together. It's hard sometimes to look at yourself that closely, and not like what you see. I think that's another function of marriage, by the way, as a picture of God's love for us....someone has seen all that junk and loves me anyway.
So there it is folks, nothing fancy or lovely today, just a friendly reminder to check your rugs, and surround yourself with wise caring people who aren't afraid help you tackle any lurking dust bunnies.
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