The Naked Truth

Basically all of Lance's friends who are married, married their high school sweet hearts.  Lance dated a girl for three years that everyone assumed he would marry, and if she hadn't broken up with him in college, he probably would have.  I have been told in undertones by multiple people, that they didn't think he could ever love anyone again.  Goody, right?....She later married and divorced, and is now single again, so, being a naturally curious female, I freeped her on facebook (come on, you know you do it too), and she looked, well, sort of like me, before I had kids, which brings me to the naked truth: I am terrified that I am going to be going about one of my bedraggled days, bedecked in unbecoming crocks, kids in tow, probably yelling, unflattering post baby (OK toddler) belly in its full splendor, and I am going to run into her. If I do not run into her in a circumstance such as this, I shall certainly do so someday at one of the high school friend crew events, you know, weddings, funerals, and the like, and in fact, one such event is looming near. Next May, one of the last holdouts to single hood is tying the knot; plenty of time to make sure I am in excellent shape, if in fact, my body was not laughing in the face of all my attempts to banish the excess weight.  As I wean Baylie, I live in fear that I shall further balloon to a hitherto unexperienced level of frump, which by the way, is not all over, but mainly having a party in my abdomen, causing getting dressed to be an athletic endeavour in itself.

As the high school crew and spouses have never liked me, this event feels like diving with sharks, waiting for the smell of blood, er, fat.  In fact, true or not, it seems as though these particular folks have been waiting for me to get fat for a very long time. Though normally pretty self assured, I tell you, I'd rather swim with sharks, than be seen by said skinny single ex and friends in my current condition. The naked ugly truth, is that we all struggle on some level with body image, and she brings out the- I can see how people would resort to vomit-in me. I am running my ass off (oh wait, it's still there!), for some of the wrong reasons, and though I have healthy reasons too, I just can't seem to shake this one. While my husband makes me feel gorgeous, and I know that I should be covered by God's grace at any weight, I am afraid that all my weaknesses will be visible to all unless I push myself all the time, and that I have to work harder and produce more to be worthy, of love, of my husband, the respect of my friends, etcetera.  It comes down to a lot more than just my body.  And as much as I recognize the problem, and yes, realize that I am not actually an unhealthy weight, and would like to tell you that all body image/self worth issues will surely be resolved by the time this event comes to pass, the real naked truth is, that I will likely feign the plague if I am not the perfect toned size 2-4 I was the last time many of these people saw me at my own wedding. Sigh.