Divert!

Once upon a time, long ago, before I knew Jesus, or motherhood, I defined myself by what I knew I would accomplish. With a singular focus I devoted myself to becoming a singer... voice lessons, college major, I knew I would succeed, not because of superior talent, but by sheer force of unshakable will.

When I met my husband, I fell in love, suddenly and deeply, like stumbling into a well.  The opposing desires of my heart fought violently.  My unhealthy lifestyle of bars and ambition choked our love, and in the end, I knew only one could survive.  I layed aside my voice, until I could learn to use it for something besides my own glory. My defining feature absent, I floundered until He saved me and let me be defined anew. Most who did not know me then have never heard me sing.

I believe if I had followed that path I would have been successful in worldly terms, but consumed by self, devoid of God.  Instead, He gave me love; it stretched me, He gave me children, those strippers of selfishness.  He radically changed my path, so that I could grow.  I did not see God's hand as He gave me what I needed but did not want, but it was there as surely as gravity changes the tide.

And so now, as He diverts our path again, with a pregnancy that was not in The Plan (Oh how I could almost taste those actual dates with my husband...). I must trust to His purpose.  I don't have what it takes to mother another child.  He will give it to me.  I don't see where He wants to go with my life.  I will let Him lead me there anyway.  He is teaching me, my value is not in accomplishment, my strength is not in MY will.  It is a difficult lesson; two children have not been enough to teach it; my selfishness runs so deep.  He is humbling me, blessing me, teaching me, all with a little change of course.

Father

Hold my hand and help me as we raise these littles,
Help me to learn to serve, so they may see you,
Cover my tired with grace,
Help us to forgive one another as we fall short,
Help us to follow the path you set before us,
though we see not beyond this step,
and if the way should look dark,
Help us close our eyes to the world,
and open our hearts to your light.

Amen