If you are a regular follower of my blog, then you may remember that I wrote an overview of my relationship with my biological dad in 2013.....At that time, I felt as though I would probably never hear from him again, but around Easter, I felt an impulse to send him a picture of each of the kids. I wanted him to see what beautiful souls he is missing out on. He thanked me in a private message and sent me a facebook friend request. We had been friends on facebook previously, several years ago, but he had unfriended me. My family strongly discouraged me from accepting the request. My mom and sister, specifically, felt it was foolish to open myself up to be hurt again. I honestly did not feel I would, and I felt like, since I have come to Christ, I should try to show my father grace by allowing him to see my children at least in this way, and that way, if he ever showed repentance, the door would already be there for a relationship, though I thought his likelihood of repentance slight, I know that God can do as he chooses, and I have made it a point to pray for him regularly.
In my mind, there are two John's. One is very charismatic, and fun to be around. He is lighthearted and complimentary, and positive. This is the man that I miss spending time with. When a lot of time has gone by, and the wounds from the other John begin to fade in memory, I begin to miss this John. As a child, I ached for the praise of this John, and as I got older, I learned that the longer I could pretend that the other John had never existed, the longer this one would stick around. If I could ignore the elephant in the room, and play on his terms, I could hold the chimera of his affection for a time. Though he signed away his parental rights, my mom allowed us to spend time together so I wouldn't resent her for his absence. We went to baseball games and waterparks, races, and sled pulls, and occasionally, he would come to my school functions.
But always, there is a cycle. I never know what turns it, and suddenly I am with the other John. Anyone who has been in a codependent relationship knows the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting to step on the inevitable hidden land mine. My dad hasn't had a drink in many years, but the pattern of alcoholic behavior is still there. This John, how do I tell you what it is like for a child to be blamed for being unloved....if I could only behave somehow, or not say the wrong thing, he would love me, wouldn't he?? My small child self wondered. Isn't it wrong not to love your child? He would tell me in a thousand ways how things were my fault and my mother's, and call me names, and the thing is, he has filled in the memory gaps with things that didn't happen, and in his mind the are irrefutably true, there is no way out. This invariably ends in only one way, with years of silence.
When he comes around again, he acts as though it has never been, and so always, have I, until this time. Many of you that are my friends on face book, have seen glimmers of our facebook relationship this time. Small things awakened a dangerous sliver of hope, through experience, I should know how convincing the honeymoon stage can be, but he even told me he had become a Christian, and as it ever is with a parent, you never totally give up. This time though, the land mine came publicly on my facebook feed, set off by a seemingly innocent post of mine about Morgan enjoying vacation bible school, and it played out like Jerry Springer live on facebook.
And so it is that I am processing that loss, again. I am sad, because I have long prayed for a chance to share Jesus with my dad, I failed to communicate well that it is not about me being good and doing things right, it is about Jesus on the cross, covering my sin in his grace, and that doesn't mean that thereafter we are perfect, and never respond out of our hurt instead of His grace, it means that we are loved by a love that large enough to cover our imperfections, a love that we do not have to earn.
But friends, I gained from this exchange as well. Jesus is the only one who can save my dad, not me. I don't bare that burden, and from this conversation I learned how much I have grown. I am not afraid of the pain anymore. It can be a part of my life, but it will not keep my from protecting my family, or telling the truth, or standing up for what I believe. He doesn't wield that power over me anymore. Also, I always believed that he was so clever at manipulation, that anyone would fall under his spell, and believe the things he said about me. The support that I received was humbling and amazing. I love you all so much for standing at my side, and loving me. I know I am an imperfect sinner, but I am not those words he spoke to me, the ones chosen because they cut deep. Thank you for seeing me. And so another round ends, but leaves me so much stronger, and so grateful for the love of Jesus, and my wonderful stepdad who chose hard love. Please continue to pray for me, and him. I leave it in God's hands.
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