To married men

This letter is for the good ones; shmuck husbands need a whole 'nother letter. 

Dear Married men,

First of all I want to say Thanks; a lot of women complain, you know, about the whole submission bit, but most of us know that you have the much harder part of the verse. Giving himself up for his bride as Christ sacrificed himself for the church.  You are the part of the covenant that represents Jesus; that's big time, and it can't be easy. It seems small really, to submit to someone who is out there sacrificing himself daily for your needs, not that it's easy, but really in comparison, you guys have the more legitimate temptation to complain.

It could be different I suppose for other wives, but I think a lot is universal, and we tend to expect a lot of mind reading, and it would appear that that just isn't in your arsenal of capabilities, so I just wanted to lay a few things out for the edification of your marriage. 

First, we all want to be noticed.  There is no age at which women out grow wanting to be swept off our feet, hence the market for chick flicks. We may learn, as we mature spiritually to not wear our need like a flag of desperation, but it's still in there. When your wife tells you that she needs you to notice her, to speak lovingly to her, to touch her in a non sexual way, please don't respond with any kind of buts, particularly if she is communicating her needs to you in a non accusatory manner,  just listen, and validate. If she is coming to you with honest needs of her heart, just listen, you will get a turn, but now is not the time to let her know your needs. In fact, she probably already knows them, and I'd wager, being the God fearing woman that she undoubtedly is, that she is truly telling you how she would be able to meet your needs better.  I would wager, that she has been trying to meet your needs, and that what you need is for her not to have to try so hard, for it to be a bit more effortless. That, men, is where you come in. It takes only small things to sweep your wife off her feet, find out what those things are for your wife and do them. Please don't give up on trying to be attractive to your wife.   You wouldn't like it if she gave up shaving, or making any effort to please you.  We love you unconditionally, but you are still more attractive to us if you act like you care whether or not you are attractive to us.  Let her know she is the only one for you.

Next, it's hard being the wife of your youth with all these kids, so if when you come home after a hard day, and the greeting you receive is less like. "Welcome to your sanctuary, man I can't wait to get alone with later.", and more like, "Take this kid." Please don't let that set the tone.  We don't want to be that way, really, but they are like bandits, uniquely equipped to wear you down, steal your sanity, and syphon your energy....first, the little one wears you down by requiring constant vigilance just to keep the little bugger alive until the end of the day, then the middle one cracks your amour with 49,000 questions, half of which they already know the answer to, but enjoy the security of hearing the same answer for the bazillionth time, and then, the school age ones take you down, with snotty attitude and complaining. Then they bind your ankles with a little sibling bickering.  I know you had a hard day too, but by the time you get here, we feel like the pecked chicken, so a little grace, 5 minutes to recover our wits, and a do over would be much appreciated.

Last,(okay not really, but it isn't a book you know). My husband has particular difficultly with this one, probably because it makes no logical sense, but the more you think your wife wishes you would take a job in Siberia and just send money, the more she really probably just wants you to hold her.  Seriously counter intuitive, I know, but when we get overwhelmed or hormonal, or we really need a break and can't seem to get one,we might look like we could spit daggers and may seem dangerous to approach, but take a risk, and try holding your wife, maybe even gently asking her what she needs.  She make break down and cry, don't worry, in this case that's a good thing.  You did the right thing, you made her feel safe enough to cry. When we get to this point, we don't know how to say what we need.  We feel guilty for asking for help.  If you do not take this step toward us, we feel isolated and misunderstood, particularly under the influence of hormones, that other colony of bandits.

We know being married to us is sometimes confusing and difficult.  We hope it is rewarding and beautiful. Thank you for loving us at our most unlovable.  That is a picture of Jesus for us.  One we need.  Thank you for your leadership, even when we're cantankerous.  Thank you for your hard work, and your provision. Thank you for stepping up and being men in a world of boys.