Say Anything

So these days I have been reading Shauna Niequist. I love Shauna Niequist; she is like reading a wiser more eloquent version of me (perhaps I flatter myself). Anyway, today's chapter was about how when she has gone through really difficult times in her life, what hurt her the most was not the people who said awkward unintentionally hurtful things, but the people who didn't say anything at all.  Then, I went on to my bible study, which was about Esther, and when to keep silent and when to speak up. God calling me out much?

So it got me to thinking about when I haven't said things I have felt called to say, for fear of saying the wrong thing, and I realized that when we hold our tongues because we don't want to be uncomfortable, it's really about us, our potential rejection, protecting our own vulnerabilities, than it is about loving each other.  I really don't want to be called out by Jesus for being a chicken, when I had the opportunity to poor His love out on somebody, and I chose to play it safe instead.

Years ago, I had a dear friend who was expecting a baby on the same day as I was expecting Baylie. I was so excited to share my pregnancy with her, and walk through the early baby haze and mamahood with her, but almost half way through, she miscarried. Throughout the horrific ordeal, I tried to be the best friend I could, but I didn't know how.  I don't remember much of what I said, but I remember doing what I do best, which is loading people down with casseroles, in hopes to cover over the cumbersomeness of conversation. Soon, she stopped returning my calls, and politely declined my invitations.   I was never sure that the pregnancy was the reason, since she assured me that she was happy for me, but when I was in the hospital with Levi, one of my caregivers that happened to also be a friend of hers and pregnant at the time told me that she had a similar experience. Maybe I had no choice, but I let my friend drift away, uncertain how to say, "I don't know why this happened to you and not me. I know it must hurt to see me pregnant and having a healthy baby when your baby should be here too.  It's okay if you sometimes feel mad at me.  You don't have to tell me it's okay. You don't have to be happy for me, or pretend.  I know it isn't fair, but if it's okay with you, I'm just going to love you anyway, and when you're ready to be friends, I'll be right here." So I said nothing.

So anyway,  I have had some things ping ponging around in my heart that needed to be said, and maybe I will say them in the wrong words, and maybe I will sound foolish, but I do not want to be a veneer person, smooth on the outside, and something else entirely within, so I will try to say something, something sincere and honest, and probably terribly awkward, but it will not pretend that things are fine, and it will not be nothing.

I wrote my friend a card today, just to say she is in my prayers often. If she doesn't respond, I will feel sad about our friendship, just like I already do, and that's okay. I think I'm learning, it's not about me, or how I feel.....Now, if I could just master that pesky part about when to keep silent....