I have been reading a lot of beautiful stories lately of redemption. Stories where God takes the blackest night of the soul, the most unthinkable tragedies, and turns them into something beautiful and life giving. The brave women who have recorded their stories have sifted through ashes and growth and greater intimacy with God, and gone on to gift us with their stories.
I have recently been praying that God would allow my writing to expand to the degree that it would serve His kingdom and glorify his name, but truth be told, if I have to give up my whole and healthy family, if I really have to go through the fire to have anything worthwhile to write about, I'll keep my peaceful life, thanks.
It's sort of like that with us and God a lot, isn't it? Grateful though I am for my mediocre run of the mill hardships that have refined my character, if I were authoring my own story, I wouldn't write in any more of them. Thy will be done, I can say, but if God were to have a sit down with me and say, listen, it will glorify my kingdom and contribute to your personal growth if you get a debilitating disease, loose your husband, and your house burns down. Are you in? I know you are, because my will be done, right?" Am I really the sort of Christian I say I am? The one who would say yes? I have known a few amazing people who I'm sure would answer him yes, resoundingly, people who have been his hands and feet even at great personal cost, as we are all called to do, but I'm not there. Maybe I don't know God well enough, or maybe my heart is too weak and selfish. In an Abraham moment, I don't have what it takes.
Intellectually, I know of course that God sees the much broader picture, and that He has my best interest in mind, but it still feels some times like playing junior high trust games with an invisible participant. While I know in my mind that he knows best, I find I am often much like my children, who generally know I love them and am wiser than they, but still feel rather put out when I discourage them from putting bobby pins in the outlets.
It's a good thing that I don't have a choice, and can't see what I'm actually praying for when I pray that prayer. I want to pray for His will, I want to mean it, but I'm glad I don't get to see what I'm asking for. It's a good thing really that I'm not on the decision making comity, since I'm clearly biased and untrustworthy. I'm glad, for the most part, that it's a step by step journey. Of course that means I have to trust in the destination when I'm in the pesky uncertain middle, and I don't know what the end looks like. This trust is one of those things that's a lifetime journey; no shortcuts.
Maybe if we see his redemption enough, his hand working in enough little ways, in our own lives and each other's stories, it will slowly take hold. I'm thankful that along the way I get plenty of grace and do overs; that he meets me right where I am, even in my doubt, for his grace is sufficient for me. Today my prayer must remain, "Lord I believe, please help me with my unbelief."
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