Hillary

Basically all my childhood, I had the same best friend. She wasn't fickle and catty like the other girls, and we had very few falling outs.  We grew up together, through the good and the terrible, so between being there for most of one anothers formative experiences, and discussing everything to death, we grew to where all we had to do was look at each other to know what the other was thinking.  We didn't need anyone else, and we never had to worry about what people thought of us; we had each other.  As girls often do, we said we would be friends forever, or at least if we weren't, we vowed never to drift apart.  If something should be big enough to separate us, it would end in a knock down drag out fight worthy of our friendship.

She was the maid of honor at my first wedding.  She made a beautiful speech and gave us meaningful gifts. I moved to Washington and never saw her again.  I tried a few times to reach out, but she didn't seem interested.  The last of these times was during the desperate darkness of my divorce.  We drifted apart.  Who can say why?  In the early years, I wanted to demand an explanation; the fight I was due.  If I had my guess, I'd say that maybe for some people there comes a point where there's too much between two people: when you know each other so well, and have journeyed together through so much, that the other person becomes like a mirror, of your wounds, your hidden weaknesses, all the pain and things you would rather put behind you....maybe you trade someone who understands you for a piece of freedom from your past.

Our lives are so different.  She is accomplished, unmarried, and atheist, and I live a life we made fun of in high school.  What kind of relationship could we have now anyway?  Neither of us are the type for BS or small talk, so nothing is better for both of us than something superficial.

My friend recently got in a car accident.  She is OK, but it really made me evaluate where we are, and I realized this: Through the years my love for her has become more Christ-like than any other in my life.  Over time, all the need drained out of me.  I don't need to be friends, to hang out.  I don't need for her to like me or validate me in any way, but I have never stopped wanting the best for her, never stopped praying for her (except during the times when I didn't pray at all), I would never turn my back on her in need, no matter time of day or season of life.  I realized that when you love someone it doesn't matter if you have different lives, or believe different things, or even ever speak again.  She is as much a part of me as that bicycle chained to the tree as it grew.

I have longed for someone who understands me the way she did, but that empty place is more than fair trade for the time we had, and  God gave me a different type of best friend in my husband; one who loves me so deeply that understanding isn't required.

Sometimes God forces us grow in ways that it takes a lot of distance to see the lesson, and sometimes I guess you have to loose the present, to find the gift.

Divert!

Once upon a time, long ago, before I knew Jesus, or motherhood, I defined myself by what I knew I would accomplish. With a singular focus I devoted myself to becoming a singer... voice lessons, college major, I knew I would succeed, not because of superior talent, but by sheer force of unshakable will.

When I met my husband, I fell in love, suddenly and deeply, like stumbling into a well.  The opposing desires of my heart fought violently.  My unhealthy lifestyle of bars and ambition choked our love, and in the end, I knew only one could survive.  I layed aside my voice, until I could learn to use it for something besides my own glory. My defining feature absent, I floundered until He saved me and let me be defined anew. Most who did not know me then have never heard me sing.

I believe if I had followed that path I would have been successful in worldly terms, but consumed by self, devoid of God.  Instead, He gave me love; it stretched me, He gave me children, those strippers of selfishness.  He radically changed my path, so that I could grow.  I did not see God's hand as He gave me what I needed but did not want, but it was there as surely as gravity changes the tide.

And so now, as He diverts our path again, with a pregnancy that was not in The Plan (Oh how I could almost taste those actual dates with my husband...). I must trust to His purpose.  I don't have what it takes to mother another child.  He will give it to me.  I don't see where He wants to go with my life.  I will let Him lead me there anyway.  He is teaching me, my value is not in accomplishment, my strength is not in MY will.  It is a difficult lesson; two children have not been enough to teach it; my selfishness runs so deep.  He is humbling me, blessing me, teaching me, all with a little change of course.

Father

Hold my hand and help me as we raise these littles,
Help me to learn to serve, so they may see you,
Cover my tired with grace,
Help us to forgive one another as we fall short,
Help us to follow the path you set before us,
though we see not beyond this step,
and if the way should look dark,
Help us close our eyes to the world,
and open our hearts to your light.

Amen

Free Will, Predermination, and Prayer, Oh My!

I am just going to warn you from the start, that this is going to be an extremely odd post. So here goes, recently, our church has been doing a sermon series on the end times.  My view on this subject has always been that we aren't supposed to know the day or the hour, so why spend time dwelling on this issue.  Our pastor pointed out, however, that it is in the bible, and therefore it is something that God wants us to know and we can't selectively ignore parts of God's word (duh, right).  So. anyway, during this series he gives a sermon on the Antichrist, and I have to tell you, I haven't devoted much mental space to this previously, and I found that the concept of this person disturbs me on multiple levels.  While the Antichrist clearly ends up totally wicked, and capable of using all possible means to commit unfathomable atrocities, he clearly starts out just like everyone else: someones baby.  How does a person become so broken that they wholly abandon good for evil; at what point does this person realize they are the Antichrist? Many of the people who eventually go to Hell, don't believe in Hell, but the Antichrist, as he eventually receives power directly from the devil, clearly knows that he is trading eternal punishment for extremely short term gain. Also, even the most misled of us are generally looking for good, whether in themselves, another religion, or what have you. I just can't get my brain around this choice to consciously and blatantly reject all redemption or goodness , or this evolution from someones little boy, to the epitome of evil; that idea just makes me so sad. Which brings me to my greater dilemma....you know how the bible says to pray for our enemies, those who persecute us?  We have no greater enemy than this, and yet, the bible prophesies that these events will come to pass, and they must, for the fulfillment of God's plan.  He can't just rewrite the bible because of my little prayer, so is there any point in praying for the Antichrist?(or his mama) How do free will, predetermination, and the power of prayer interact ?????

The Naked Truth

Basically all of Lance's friends who are married, married their high school sweet hearts.  Lance dated a girl for three years that everyone assumed he would marry, and if she hadn't broken up with him in college, he probably would have.  I have been told in undertones by multiple people, that they didn't think he could ever love anyone again.  Goody, right?....She later married and divorced, and is now single again, so, being a naturally curious female, I freeped her on facebook (come on, you know you do it too), and she looked, well, sort of like me, before I had kids, which brings me to the naked truth: I am terrified that I am going to be going about one of my bedraggled days, bedecked in unbecoming crocks, kids in tow, probably yelling, unflattering post baby (OK toddler) belly in its full splendor, and I am going to run into her. If I do not run into her in a circumstance such as this, I shall certainly do so someday at one of the high school friend crew events, you know, weddings, funerals, and the like, and in fact, one such event is looming near. Next May, one of the last holdouts to single hood is tying the knot; plenty of time to make sure I am in excellent shape, if in fact, my body was not laughing in the face of all my attempts to banish the excess weight.  As I wean Baylie, I live in fear that I shall further balloon to a hitherto unexperienced level of frump, which by the way, is not all over, but mainly having a party in my abdomen, causing getting dressed to be an athletic endeavour in itself.

As the high school crew and spouses have never liked me, this event feels like diving with sharks, waiting for the smell of blood, er, fat.  In fact, true or not, it seems as though these particular folks have been waiting for me to get fat for a very long time. Though normally pretty self assured, I tell you, I'd rather swim with sharks, than be seen by said skinny single ex and friends in my current condition. The naked ugly truth, is that we all struggle on some level with body image, and she brings out the- I can see how people would resort to vomit-in me. I am running my ass off (oh wait, it's still there!), for some of the wrong reasons, and though I have healthy reasons too, I just can't seem to shake this one. While my husband makes me feel gorgeous, and I know that I should be covered by God's grace at any weight, I am afraid that all my weaknesses will be visible to all unless I push myself all the time, and that I have to work harder and produce more to be worthy, of love, of my husband, the respect of my friends, etcetera.  It comes down to a lot more than just my body.  And as much as I recognize the problem, and yes, realize that I am not actually an unhealthy weight, and would like to tell you that all body image/self worth issues will surely be resolved by the time this event comes to pass, the real naked truth is, that I will likely feign the plague if I am not the perfect toned size 2-4 I was the last time many of these people saw me at my own wedding. Sigh.

For Non-Christians!

My usual blog readers, if I am lucky enough to have them, are a group of other Christian mamas who are very easy to write to, because they are much like me, but today, I'm gonna venture onto the proverbial limb and write something that has been on my heart, for people who don't know Jesus.  I hope you will hear me out.

There are a few misconceptions about Christianity that seem to be rampant that just need to be addressed:

1. God, and therefore Christians, hate: gay people, non Christians, and/or anyone who is different or has different beliefs than we do.

Okay folks, I know, there is always that jack wad in the crowd, hating everybody in the name of God, making us all look bad, and he always seems to be the loudest rooster in the coop, but let's be clear here; God hates sin, NOT people.  The bible clearly commands us to love one another, no exclusions.  Any failings on our behalf to do this, rest squarely on our own sinful natures, not on Christianity, and most certainly not on Christ.  Jesus hung out with rabble, and He invites EVERYBODY who believes in Him to heaven.  Does this mean that he condones all of our choices? No.  Does it mean that Christians have to embrace behaviors that contradict our biblical values? No.  What it does mean is that we need to love individuals regardless of their lifestyle choices, and that anybody who hates people needs to examine themselves, and reread their bible, because that is just flat not what Jesus taught.

2.  We think we're better than you.

Really, the reason why we are Christians is because we know we're not better than you.  We are Christians because we know we need HELP! It's the same deal on this one; being judgmental is human nature, we've all been there, but when we get on our high horse, it's not our religion's fault. The bible absolutely doesn't condone it; it fact, it says the opposite numerous times. So when one  individual that says he or she is a Christian is judgmental, don't put that on all of us.  You don't like it when people make generalizations about you, we don't like that either.

3. Since we think we're better than you, we want to convert you, so we can improve you, by making you like us.  (Insert diabolical laugh here)

So, here is the deal with evangelism: Big shocker...we do want to convert you....but, cut us some slack:  We LOVE Jesus, we remember what our lives were like before He was in them, and we believe that He saved us; not just in the abstract eternal sense, but in the quality of life we have now.  We believe we are broken, all of us, and He makes us whole.  We just want to share the Jesus koolaide, because we actually do like you, (well, most of you ;)), and we want you to have the good that we have.  Sort of like how if you see a good movie, you want your friends to see it too, so you tell them about it, multiplied by infinity.  I know we can be pushy and we go about it the wrong way a lot of the time, but if you don't want to be converted, just keep in mind: as annoying as we may be, our intentions are good.

Now, let's talk about you.  You want tolerance for everybody?  That means you have to tolerate people with whom you don't agree too.  Let's not have any of this, "Let's tolerate people with purple hair, people who are purple, people who sleep with purple people, ....but people who drink purple Jesus Koolaide, oh no! We mustn't tolerate them, they are FU-REAKS!"

We know you're decent people too, and you don't have to know Jesus to see there's no logic in that kind of equality.

And next time you encounter "that guy", please remember, he doesn't speak for all of us.

No More Littles

The other day while my sister-in-law was visiting, as I was out of the room checking on the dinner, Baylie took her first toddling steps into the void.  I, who am with her nearly every waking moment, turned my back for two minutes, and missed it.  She has not ventured out again since, so I am sure there will be many more tentative steps to come, so I couldn't figure out why it made me sad.

I guess it is because it seems like a metaphor for what my life is like.  I am always here, and yet  often feel as though I am missing it.  My memories of Morgan's babyhood are hazy, and, though it seems in the moment that Baylie is frozen in time, her current stage of development so all consuming that it blocks out all else, she changes daily, before my eyes.  Mine is now a world devoid of toothless grins and stay puff marsh mellow rolls.  I am faced with it: there will be no more littles.  While all my friends continue to procreate away, I am done (unless of course God has other plans!).  This by choice; I am eager for the days of freedom from nap times, with museum outings, symphonies in the park, and easier camping trips where no one has to nurse at night; none the less, the thought is a little sad.

I get so wrapped up in orchestrating the minutia that is our day to day life, that the magic of what a friend of mine calls "whimsy" often passes me by; not because of absence, but because in the whirlwind of motherhood, I can not hold on to the perspective that childhood is as fleeting as a poppy's bloom, and that in it's wake, I will look back, and my children will have been fearfully and wonderfully made, right in front of me, and I will have missed it.

Loaves and Fish again

I was standing in the grocery store line when I saw it; the little donation jar for a baby who needs heart surgery.  "I can't give", I thought.  "I only brought the grocery money cash,  and the list already extends the budget to the max, but what if that were my baby? What if nobody gave anything, because they couldn't give enough?" God's provision is enough; it will work." I told myself, and I put some money in the jar.  Not much, but something, and I continued on to the other places in my route.

Not to brag, but I am a pro shopper.  I put a cost estimate before every item on the list, so that I know where I am in the budget, and I am usually very close, so I cannot tell you how, at the end of the list, I had money leftover for some things that should have been on the list, but I thought would have to wait. Nor can I tell you how after that there was still money leftover to go back into the grocery envelope.  I can tell you, that it seemed like God was saying to me, "Don't be concerned about what to eat and drink.  Don't worry about such things.  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs.  Seek the Kingdom above all else, and He will give you everything you need.", and I pray that this small example of His great provision will embolden me to greater obedience and trust.