" Have you ever stopped to think about all the work that went into the place where you live? The architects. The builders. The construction crew. The designers-not just of the building but of everything it contains! Someone developed your flooring, someone built your walls....a lot of work went into the design of your home."
These are the words that greeted me as I opened up my bible study, a bible study I left off months ago. In fact, lately, I have been thinking about the work that goes into designing a home to the exclusion of much else. I burst out laughing and teared up simultaneously as I was hit with the humor, irony, and ultimately the presence of God. Between the discomforts of my pregnancy, bouts of family illness, and the consumptive nature of building a house, my quiet time with God has suffered, as has my church attendance, and time with my small group, as has my soul. I have been feeling so out of balance, longing for God, without taking time for Him. I tell myself, of course God matters to me more than a house, which is after all no more than a shell, but when a moment of breath comes, I research siding colors, window reviews, and pellet stove options. When it's time for church, but the home show is this weekend and only this weekend, well, you get it. I felt so....off. During one such moment of inevitable break down, I started to cry; as Baylie saw the tears rolling down my face, she says, "Mama's spillin'! (what she says, when someone cries, or pees on the floor), and, that's exactly what it felt like. I might fall apart, spill out all over, not because my life isn't amazing, but because, God really did make the Sabbath for man, not man for the sabbath, and when you neglect God's way, you suffer, and sometimes, even when I know that, I need to spill all over before I really get it.
And God, He was right there, the whole time, knowing my thoughts. When I was ready to return, He met me right where I was, with a lesson on how important it is to create a peaceful home that is God's, that welcomes others, meets them with love, and is alive with the Lord. What makes a house a home, isn't anything I can pick up at Lowe's, and while I might need to do those tasks, I can't neglect the attention to "designing my home as a place of rest and renewal....that invites people to connect with God, and uses it to bless others." Let's hope it's a lesson I don't have to spill to remember.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Sunday, December 16, 2012
His
It took a while to sink in; a tragedy of proportions too great to wrap ones mind around. Now, after so long of seeing their faces on the computer screen, I have to shut it and walk away. I like all of you, am so filled with nausea and grief, and incomprehension. Why? We all keep asking; as if knowing the answer will assuage our sorrow, or prevent it from happening again., But the answer to why will not make it go away: it is our sin, the brokenness of our world; a world that wants to pick and choose when God should be present and relevant in our lives. In times like these we are overwhelmed by it's brokenness. We are discouraged. The consuming destruction of sin seems inescapable.
One of my facebook friends said events like this make her consider homeschooling. I hear what she is saying. How can we send our children into this world? The reality is, they are not safe anywhere. There are shootings in shopping malls and theaters, abductions in quiet neighborhoods. We can not protect our children.
How, then, do we go on? There is only one way. We must send them into this world knowing, they are His. They are gifts, for us to shepherd for a time, and should they be taken from us, they will go only to the comforting arms of Jesus, who loves them even more than we do. We send them with the purpose that they should be light in a dark world. The only way to survive in such times is to overwhelm the darkness. We cannot do this alone, but as the body of Christ, we can. We are called to live, and teach our children to live in such a way, that our kindness and love shines into the world, and causes those who despair to look to the one place that hope remains;, He is mighty; he can use even darkness to turn others to Him, He uses our light to help them find their way.
We cannot prevent evil. We can not eliminate danger. We can not solve the problem by looking for someone to blame, but what we must do, is unite to show with our love, that Jesus is still real and present. We must go forth boldly, "as sheep among wolves" to be"shrewd as snakes, and harmless as doves." For He knew what we would encounter, and He promised to be our hope, the hope of our children, and of all those that love him. We can not teach our children to walk in fear by being afraid ourselves. The ending has already been written; let us not forget, the enemy looses. Love conquers. Do not despair, we are His, let's try to live like it.
One of my facebook friends said events like this make her consider homeschooling. I hear what she is saying. How can we send our children into this world? The reality is, they are not safe anywhere. There are shootings in shopping malls and theaters, abductions in quiet neighborhoods. We can not protect our children.
How, then, do we go on? There is only one way. We must send them into this world knowing, they are His. They are gifts, for us to shepherd for a time, and should they be taken from us, they will go only to the comforting arms of Jesus, who loves them even more than we do. We send them with the purpose that they should be light in a dark world. The only way to survive in such times is to overwhelm the darkness. We cannot do this alone, but as the body of Christ, we can. We are called to live, and teach our children to live in such a way, that our kindness and love shines into the world, and causes those who despair to look to the one place that hope remains;, He is mighty; he can use even darkness to turn others to Him, He uses our light to help them find their way.
We cannot prevent evil. We can not eliminate danger. We can not solve the problem by looking for someone to blame, but what we must do, is unite to show with our love, that Jesus is still real and present. We must go forth boldly, "as sheep among wolves" to be"shrewd as snakes, and harmless as doves." For He knew what we would encounter, and He promised to be our hope, the hope of our children, and of all those that love him. We can not teach our children to walk in fear by being afraid ourselves. The ending has already been written; let us not forget, the enemy looses. Love conquers. Do not despair, we are His, let's try to live like it.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Cold shoulder and a side of snubbin
After being with my husband for 71/2 years, I still have a sister in law that likes to pretend that I don't exist. Christmas cards come addressed to my husband only, I am a ghost at family gatherings, gifts go unacknowledged or only my husband gets thanks, as though he sent her flowers on her birthday.....If I make an attempt at conversation, I receive only the most curt, perfunctory response. After all this time I have no idea what I have done to warrant this. I have tried to chalk it up to her being shy, and give the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, even a seriously socially impaired person could write my name on a Christmas card.
Since these in laws live out of state, the only result so far has been tears of frustration on my part after holidays, but since they have recently decided to move to Billings as soon as they can find work here, I foresee more opportunity for....well, tears, frustration, and giving up, or....grace.
She has one son, and is now pregnant with their second child. Her child and mine will be born within months of each other. I really want to be able to be a blessing and a support system for them here, but I don't know how to begin after so much hurt.
I really need your prayers, that I will be able to hang in there, and love the heck out of my sister in law until she has no choice but to relent, and for her, that she will be able to let go of whatever is burdening her, and accept that I am her brothers wife, and will be staying for the duration, and no amount of ignoring will cause me to vanish, and that even if her feelings toward me never change, that the love of Jesus will show through me and sustain me for as long as it takes.
Since these in laws live out of state, the only result so far has been tears of frustration on my part after holidays, but since they have recently decided to move to Billings as soon as they can find work here, I foresee more opportunity for....well, tears, frustration, and giving up, or....grace.
She has one son, and is now pregnant with their second child. Her child and mine will be born within months of each other. I really want to be able to be a blessing and a support system for them here, but I don't know how to begin after so much hurt.
I really need your prayers, that I will be able to hang in there, and love the heck out of my sister in law until she has no choice but to relent, and for her, that she will be able to let go of whatever is burdening her, and accept that I am her brothers wife, and will be staying for the duration, and no amount of ignoring will cause me to vanish, and that even if her feelings toward me never change, that the love of Jesus will show through me and sustain me for as long as it takes.
Monday, December 10, 2012
The Terribles
My beloved Baylie Rose is starting to go through the terrible twos. She is a happy little angel until she doesn't get her way and then she is a tiny but terrible ball of fury, but Alas, she is not the subject of this post. Morgan, who seemed to begin the terrible twos at 17 months, had a bit of a lull at 3, has taken it up a notch since Baylie was born. Though she has struggled with listening at home, she has always managed to be a model of politeness and caring elsewhere; garnering mind boggling compliments to those of us with her at home, but recently, she has been having trouble listening at school, she bit her best friend, and today she threw ice in her school friends face, even after he was crying for her to stop.
After the teacher met me in the drop off line, on the way home from school, I cried. I have never been more shocked and disappointed as a parent. Now you all know that I don't have perfect control of my temper, that I raise my voice more than I should, and I confess, on a couple of occasions I have slapped my daughter across the face before I even thought about what I had done. Terrible thing to confess in a blog, I know, but I have to own what is my hand in this. Sick and ashamed, I had to ask my small daughter for forgiveness. It is no justification, I know, but breaking the pattern of parenting in anger that you grew up with is no easy task. Though that was quite some time ago now, I imagine it is something she won't soon forget, and I never will, but on the whole, we have tried very hard to be consistent loving parents. We have taught our children about Christ's love and forgiveness, even when that means sucking it up and admitting that we need it as well. We have read all the right books, and try to do all the right things. We have had many conversations about kindness and bullying. Yet as I write this, I can not understand why, from the beginning this child has been a challenge to me unequal to any other challenge in my life, and why she would behave this way when she knows right and wrong. I do know, a good deal of it comes down to attention. I feel like even though I am a stay at home mom, I will never have enough to give; she always needs more, and yet every time we take her aside to do something special, she acts out immediately afterword in spectacular fashion. Also, when we calmly explain the consequence she has earned, she often respond punitively, :Well then I'm gonna______"
This is a post written in desperation! Can those slaps across the face when mommy lost control be enough to cause all this??? It seems like nothing we do has any effect, that getting her way is the only ruling force in her mind. She doesn't seem to grasp the cause and effect of having earned the consequences, though we talk to her about it, she always says that it is us not being nice.
Am I a terrible mother??? How can I get through to her before it is too late? I will never be perfect enough to never raise my voice. Am I doomed to ruin my children? If so, why is God giving us another one? Help!!!
After the teacher met me in the drop off line, on the way home from school, I cried. I have never been more shocked and disappointed as a parent. Now you all know that I don't have perfect control of my temper, that I raise my voice more than I should, and I confess, on a couple of occasions I have slapped my daughter across the face before I even thought about what I had done. Terrible thing to confess in a blog, I know, but I have to own what is my hand in this. Sick and ashamed, I had to ask my small daughter for forgiveness. It is no justification, I know, but breaking the pattern of parenting in anger that you grew up with is no easy task. Though that was quite some time ago now, I imagine it is something she won't soon forget, and I never will, but on the whole, we have tried very hard to be consistent loving parents. We have taught our children about Christ's love and forgiveness, even when that means sucking it up and admitting that we need it as well. We have read all the right books, and try to do all the right things. We have had many conversations about kindness and bullying. Yet as I write this, I can not understand why, from the beginning this child has been a challenge to me unequal to any other challenge in my life, and why she would behave this way when she knows right and wrong. I do know, a good deal of it comes down to attention. I feel like even though I am a stay at home mom, I will never have enough to give; she always needs more, and yet every time we take her aside to do something special, she acts out immediately afterword in spectacular fashion. Also, when we calmly explain the consequence she has earned, she often respond punitively, :Well then I'm gonna______"
This is a post written in desperation! Can those slaps across the face when mommy lost control be enough to cause all this??? It seems like nothing we do has any effect, that getting her way is the only ruling force in her mind. She doesn't seem to grasp the cause and effect of having earned the consequences, though we talk to her about it, she always says that it is us not being nice.
Am I a terrible mother??? How can I get through to her before it is too late? I will never be perfect enough to never raise my voice. Am I doomed to ruin my children? If so, why is God giving us another one? Help!!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Control Freak
Okay, I'm not gonna lie; within the last few days I feel like I have sloughed off the cliff from" settling for a little less" to "if I didn't absolutely have to get out of bed, I wouldn't". I am flaking apart piece by piece. I think my organizational skills must have stayed in bed, and I definitely left my sanity at the doctors office. When my kind nurse practitioner saw me back again, she said "I don't think micronor is the right birth control for you." I said, a bit manically, "JoAnn, I think a vasectomy is the right birth control for me!", and then when they told me I was not as far along as I hoped, and I was faced with another month of exhaustion and all day nausea, I admit, I had a rough time swimming to the surface.
Surprise though this pregnancy was, I quickly developed a vision of how things would go: me and my bump running 3 miles a day, eating our fruits and vegis, wearing cute maternity clothes that I'll never (Please God) have to wear again, and finishing up in our new house, and finally being settled.
This pregnancy has instead, served to remind me on every front, how little control I really have, and what a control freak I really am. I want to tell God, " I JUST WANT THINGS TO RUN ON SCHEDULE!!"or "ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY????" Learning to do things on His timetable is not easy for me. This is a lesson that has been revisited in many guises many times.
Christianity is a tough gig for me, control freak that I am. I don't just want to sit back and accept that there is nothing I can do, Jesus did it all. He is the only one who could. There is no meditation plan to self actualization, no list of accomplishments to check off, indicating that I have earned my place, no rigorous discipline to whip me into worthiness, just acceptance. Just like this pregnancy. It's a done deal, one that ends in love, but must begin with the hardest thing of all, acceptance.
Surprise though this pregnancy was, I quickly developed a vision of how things would go: me and my bump running 3 miles a day, eating our fruits and vegis, wearing cute maternity clothes that I'll never (Please God) have to wear again, and finishing up in our new house, and finally being settled.
This pregnancy has instead, served to remind me on every front, how little control I really have, and what a control freak I really am. I want to tell God, " I JUST WANT THINGS TO RUN ON SCHEDULE!!"or "ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY????" Learning to do things on His timetable is not easy for me. This is a lesson that has been revisited in many guises many times.
Christianity is a tough gig for me, control freak that I am. I don't just want to sit back and accept that there is nothing I can do, Jesus did it all. He is the only one who could. There is no meditation plan to self actualization, no list of accomplishments to check off, indicating that I have earned my place, no rigorous discipline to whip me into worthiness, just acceptance. Just like this pregnancy. It's a done deal, one that ends in love, but must begin with the hardest thing of all, acceptance.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Settling for Less
I am a list girl. I measure my worth by accomplishment, but with all of my recent pregnancy and other ailments, I have had to let my list go, and instead go with the motto, "Do what's most important." If I can do more after that, then I move on to the next most important thing. This method is unnatural to me; it is against the fiber of who I am, but in this season, it's the best I can do.
You know the pinterest meme, " Some moms make homemade soaps, and reindeer treats, while I'm lucky I got a shower and my kids survived the day."? It seems I have both of these mom's inside of me in a constant stage of warfare. They are like the good and bad proverbial angels atop my shoulder's....but which one is really good? Pinterest, list making mama definitely gets more done, but worn out tired mama snuggles my kids and reads them stories, and doesn't worry so much about rushing off to the next thing. A while ago my oldest daughter brought me a sheet of paper that she had written on. She couldn't make words at the time, so they were just random letters, but everything on the page had lines through it. I'm sure you have guessed that when I asked her about it, she said it was her list, just like mama. Is that what I want to create? I'm not sure. I miss a lot of beautiful moments snapping at my kids because of my drive to reach the bottom of that list; even if I include the fun stuff, like crafts or baking cookies, in my mind it's just another thing that has to get done. And for what anyway? It's not like a mama's work ever gets DONE, like I'm ever going to just sit back and say, I did everything on my list, my work here is complete.
I'm sure that as soon as I'm able, I'll go back to using my list, but I hope I take away a lesson from this time, that I need to settle for a bit less on that list, so that I can give more to my kids within the stuff that has to get done, so that I don't become a model of something ugly because someone didn't buckle their car seat with military efficiency, or be unable to enjoy the moments we have together because I want to cross off "make banana bread". It's easier said than done, but my prayer for all of us as Christmas comes, and beyond, is that we don't loose our kids or our minds in the bustle of our to-do lists. After all, dirty floors, dishes, and laundry will be there another day, but those tiny moments of sublime grace are so easy to miss.
You know the pinterest meme, " Some moms make homemade soaps, and reindeer treats, while I'm lucky I got a shower and my kids survived the day."? It seems I have both of these mom's inside of me in a constant stage of warfare. They are like the good and bad proverbial angels atop my shoulder's....but which one is really good? Pinterest, list making mama definitely gets more done, but worn out tired mama snuggles my kids and reads them stories, and doesn't worry so much about rushing off to the next thing. A while ago my oldest daughter brought me a sheet of paper that she had written on. She couldn't make words at the time, so they were just random letters, but everything on the page had lines through it. I'm sure you have guessed that when I asked her about it, she said it was her list, just like mama. Is that what I want to create? I'm not sure. I miss a lot of beautiful moments snapping at my kids because of my drive to reach the bottom of that list; even if I include the fun stuff, like crafts or baking cookies, in my mind it's just another thing that has to get done. And for what anyway? It's not like a mama's work ever gets DONE, like I'm ever going to just sit back and say, I did everything on my list, my work here is complete.
I'm sure that as soon as I'm able, I'll go back to using my list, but I hope I take away a lesson from this time, that I need to settle for a bit less on that list, so that I can give more to my kids within the stuff that has to get done, so that I don't become a model of something ugly because someone didn't buckle their car seat with military efficiency, or be unable to enjoy the moments we have together because I want to cross off "make banana bread". It's easier said than done, but my prayer for all of us as Christmas comes, and beyond, is that we don't loose our kids or our minds in the bustle of our to-do lists. After all, dirty floors, dishes, and laundry will be there another day, but those tiny moments of sublime grace are so easy to miss.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Hillary
Basically all my childhood, I had the same best friend. She wasn't fickle and catty like the other girls, and we had very few falling outs. We grew up together, through the good and the terrible, so between being there for most of one anothers formative experiences, and discussing everything to death, we grew to where all we had to do was look at each other to know what the other was thinking. We didn't need anyone else, and we never had to worry about what people thought of us; we had each other. As girls often do, we said we would be friends forever, or at least if we weren't, we vowed never to drift apart. If something should be big enough to separate us, it would end in a knock down drag out fight worthy of our friendship.
She was the maid of honor at my first wedding. She made a beautiful speech and gave us meaningful gifts. I moved to Washington and never saw her again. I tried a few times to reach out, but she didn't seem interested. The last of these times was during the desperate darkness of my divorce. We drifted apart. Who can say why? In the early years, I wanted to demand an explanation; the fight I was due. If I had my guess, I'd say that maybe for some people there comes a point where there's too much between two people: when you know each other so well, and have journeyed together through so much, that the other person becomes like a mirror, of your wounds, your hidden weaknesses, all the pain and things you would rather put behind you....maybe you trade someone who understands you for a piece of freedom from your past.
Our lives are so different. She is accomplished, unmarried, and atheist, and I live a life we made fun of in high school. What kind of relationship could we have now anyway? Neither of us are the type for BS or small talk, so nothing is better for both of us than something superficial.
My friend recently got in a car accident. She is OK, but it really made me evaluate where we are, and I realized this: Through the years my love for her has become more Christ-like than any other in my life. Over time, all the need drained out of me. I don't need to be friends, to hang out. I don't need for her to like me or validate me in any way, but I have never stopped wanting the best for her, never stopped praying for her (except during the times when I didn't pray at all), I would never turn my back on her in need, no matter time of day or season of life. I realized that when you love someone it doesn't matter if you have different lives, or believe different things, or even ever speak again. She is as much a part of me as that bicycle chained to the tree as it grew.
I have longed for someone who understands me the way she did, but that empty place is more than fair trade for the time we had, and God gave me a different type of best friend in my husband; one who loves me so deeply that understanding isn't required.
Sometimes God forces us grow in ways that it takes a lot of distance to see the lesson, and sometimes I guess you have to loose the present, to find the gift.
She was the maid of honor at my first wedding. She made a beautiful speech and gave us meaningful gifts. I moved to Washington and never saw her again. I tried a few times to reach out, but she didn't seem interested. The last of these times was during the desperate darkness of my divorce. We drifted apart. Who can say why? In the early years, I wanted to demand an explanation; the fight I was due. If I had my guess, I'd say that maybe for some people there comes a point where there's too much between two people: when you know each other so well, and have journeyed together through so much, that the other person becomes like a mirror, of your wounds, your hidden weaknesses, all the pain and things you would rather put behind you....maybe you trade someone who understands you for a piece of freedom from your past.
Our lives are so different. She is accomplished, unmarried, and atheist, and I live a life we made fun of in high school. What kind of relationship could we have now anyway? Neither of us are the type for BS or small talk, so nothing is better for both of us than something superficial.
My friend recently got in a car accident. She is OK, but it really made me evaluate where we are, and I realized this: Through the years my love for her has become more Christ-like than any other in my life. Over time, all the need drained out of me. I don't need to be friends, to hang out. I don't need for her to like me or validate me in any way, but I have never stopped wanting the best for her, never stopped praying for her (except during the times when I didn't pray at all), I would never turn my back on her in need, no matter time of day or season of life. I realized that when you love someone it doesn't matter if you have different lives, or believe different things, or even ever speak again. She is as much a part of me as that bicycle chained to the tree as it grew.
I have longed for someone who understands me the way she did, but that empty place is more than fair trade for the time we had, and God gave me a different type of best friend in my husband; one who loves me so deeply that understanding isn't required.
Sometimes God forces us grow in ways that it takes a lot of distance to see the lesson, and sometimes I guess you have to loose the present, to find the gift.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)